Am I Autistic? Because if I Am it Explains So Much!

It has to have been a couple of years since my teen son said, "Mom, I think you are autistic."

I immediately discounted it. Mainly because it felt like labels are something these younger generations have embraced, as if putting a label or a name on every single little thing actually helps. All while I've spent decades trying to avoid labels, because I've seen them as limiting.

And as with many things, there likely is a middle ground. Labels don't need to limit you, excuse behaviors, or explain them away. They can act as a motivator for change, define boundaries, and seek help in areas where one feels outside help is needed.

It took me a long while to understand and accept this idea of a label enabling me instead of disabling and perhaps lead to me understanding myself better. And yes, to some extent it was a "Oh, so that is what was wrong with me!" Although I quickly substituted the word 'wrong' with 'different' and explored how my own coping skills (also known as masking) have evolved over the years.

The list below are the common traits you will find for those who are on the autism spectrum. And I was surprised to find myself in so many of them. I have added bold to those that particularly struck me as accurate.

Social communication and interaction

• Finding small talk confusing, pointless or draining - usually I just avoid it and talk about whatever I can find in common with the person I'm interacting with, or say nothing until I know them better

• Trouble reading facial expressions, tone of voice or body language - not anymore, but in my 20s this was a real problem and caused issues in workplaces

• Taking things literally and missing sarcasm, hints or implied meanings - countless times. Understanding sarcasm is hard enough, but when someone teases me it just feels like I'm being misled intentionally, which leaves me confused and defensive

• Eye contact that feels uncomfortable, or that you have to consciously manage - this was a HUGE mountain for me. I still feel uncomfortable, and I still actually remind myself to make eye contact, or shift eye contact from person to person. It is literally a second track running in my head, as I speak to someone. I still can't do it for long, so it often manifests as me being very animated as I speak so that people won't focus on maintaining eye contact.

• Not being sure when to talk, when to stop, or how to join a conversation - I've improved in this area, but sometimes I feel like I still interject something at the wrong moment, or carry on with a subject after others have moved on to other topics

• Coming across as blunt or too honest without meaning to - people I know correct me on this all the time

• Finding friendships hard to start or keep, or preferring a few close ones - While I have many people in my life that I know, communicate with (mainly on Facebook or in pool league), I have very few I can count as friends. And only one that I see on a semi-regular basis.

• Needing a lot of alone time to recover after socializing - So much of this. Even family can be too much. My writing retreats have become a deep decompress from everyone and everything. This is why I now try to go for a week or more, because the first few days are just decompress and sleep, and little or no writing is done.

• Info-dumping: talking at length about a favorite topic - I tend to be rather obsessive over the details of my pool league, gardening, cooking, and STRs. So much so!

Repetitive behaviors, routines and interests

• A strong need for routine and predictability, and distress when plans change suddenly - I didn't bold this only because of the distress part. I absolutely love my daily routines, but I can handle change. It does, however, manifest as distress when I have to take a different route due to road closures etc.

• Intense, deep interests that can take up a lot of your time and attention - Where do I begin? Pool, writing, reading, gardening, cooking, and financial forecasting (when will we be 100% out of debt, how much can I save each month, etc)

• Stimming: repetitive movements or sounds such as rocking, hand-flapping, leg-bouncing, fidgeting, or repeating words or phrases - At first I didn't think this applied. I was imagining some of the more severe autism stimming behavior. However, I dug into a list of stimming behaviors and found one I use EVERY DAY - Replaying conversations or scripting them in your head - I do this all the time, script what I say before I say it and then repeat it sometimes dozens of times, or wake up from sleeping multiple times with the phrase I've scripted to say when I wake up and see a family member, running through my head, over and over.

• Preferring sameness, like the same foods, clothes or routes - Every once in a while, my husband buys some other kind of coffee creamer flavor, just to give me something new. I tolerate it, barely, and then go back to my tried and true flavor of hazelnut

• Black-and-white thinking and a strong sense of rules or fairness - I have strong tendencies towards this, especially the rules and fairness, but I do eventually consciously examine the gray area and middle ground.

Sensory differences

• Oversensitivity to sounds, lights, smells, textures or crowds - This I always attributed to being introverted (when talking about crowds and sounds) but the smells one hit home, I'm extremely sensitive to scent.

• Bothered by clothing tags, seams or certain fabrics - My mother tried to get me to wear turtlenecks as a child and I absolutely loathed them. To this day, I cannot bring myself to wear crew neck shirts as well, it feels as if I'm being choked. And most of my clothing tags end up getting cut out.

• Strong food aversions, often based on texture - while I was a picky eater, I'm not any longer and can eat most foods

• Undersensitivity, such as not noticing pain, hunger or temperature

• Sensory overload that leads to shutdowns or meltdowns - Mainly this is crowds, but I've noticed that if multiple people are talking to me I lose all ability to focus, whether or not this is related to autism, I am unsure.

• Discomfort with touch - I've taught myself to hug (as weird as that sounds) and it remains a very intentional thing, one I kind of have to gear myself up for, although it is much easier with loved ones.

Other common experiences

• Masking: copying others or following scripts to fit in, which is very tiring. This is especially common in women and girls. - absolutely, yes. This is evident from my notes above.

• Trouble with executive function, meaning planning, starting tasks and switching between them

• Difficulty naming or describing your own emotions (alexithymia) - I do actually think this applies, but only in the sense that at first I don't know how I feel, it takes time to work it out in my own head and for me to understand what exactly I'm feeling.

• A lifelong sense of being "different," or of missing a social rulebook everyone else seems to have - YES.

• Often occurs alongside ADHD, anxiety, depression or sleep problems - This is likely a "yes" as well, but not certain.

And this is, again, just the common traits list. But like most things in life A + B does not necessarily equal C. It might, but it might not. I'm not a trained professional, so I can't say for sure. I took a couple of online tests, and their results indicate I likely am on the spectrum, but they aren't a professional level evaluation.

And for now, I've decided to simply read more about autism and see what others stories are like, and also see if there are any particular coping techniques I could try to make things run smoother in my life. Masking is one way of coping, to be sure, but I'm willing to see if there are other coping skills I don't know about that could help.

I've always thought of autism as a "different way of thinking" and said as much to parents who have shared that their children are autistic. Perhaps a part of me saw myself in those kids in some way. That feeling of not belonging, of being different. Perhaps a part of me always suspected but never really felt the need for validation. I still don't. Mainly because I don't see it as something to recover from or cure or even that it is a disability. I am who I am - the good and the bad, the awkward and the weird.

But for the first time in my life, I find myself not shying away from the label, but instead finding familiarity and comfort.

For now, I don't need the external validation of a visit to a psychologist or any additional tests. I've been residing in this body for over 56 years and I'm (mostly) comfortable with who I am. No need for an official result. It is enough of a comfort to recognize a pattern that corresponds to my feelings of being different.